Monkey Shakespeare
Ok, so it has been a week or so since I posted anything. Work was nuts, then there were the holidays and stuff, and posting just sort of fell off the radar.
However, my helper monkey has graciously agreed to act out my Christmas and New Years holidays for you. Since I can't load video, I'll just describe it to you.
ACT I: Christmas
Scene 1: Helper monkey is bouncing off of walls, running circles on the floor, and pretending to be going through a metal detector (Flew home on Friday the 23rd). Helper monkey stops, flips off metal detector guy and then jumps up and down pretending he is an airplane. Runs into more walls (not entirely accurate, given the fact that my plane didn't crash, but what do you expect from a monkey?).
Scene 2: Helper monkey running around slapping his ass like he is on a horse and makes a lariat out of paper clips. Ropes Vern the Fern, nearly dies as Vern the Fern lists to the right before returning to precious balance. I think he is trying to show that I got a new pair of boots on Christmas Eve from the wife (carmel colored ostrich skin. fucking great). Not sure what he is doing now, but he continues to slap his ass.
Scene 3: Helper monkey rams his head into the wall repeatedly (Christmas Mass).
Scene 4: Now, he's walking around like a zombie, and throwing paper in the air (Got up early, went to Dad's, opened presents).
Scene 5: Helper monkey again rams his head into the wall, then takes a blue marker and stabs himself in the eye (the glass one he lost in the bottle rocket incident). This is the part where I got up at 2 AM on the 26th and flew my ass all the fucking way back to Chicago to work on getting a deal closed. I was very much tired and cranky.
ACT II: New Year's Eve (Eve)
Scene 1: Helper monkey is eating cotton balls, paper clips, that wierd ball of dust from behind my computer cords and my blackberry cord. Now he's licking the floor. (Wife and I went to Charlie Trotter's for dinner on the 29th. Best restaurant in Chicago.) Now, helper money is shaking his head and crying. (It was fucking expensive).
ACT III: New Year's Eve
Scene 1: Helper monkey shaking hands with imaginary guests (Pappy and friend came to visit for the weekend). Now, pushing them off imaginary balcony. That didn't happen, but you know how my helper monkey feels about Nebraskans, and bohemians in general--I caught him pissing in Pappy's coffee on Sunday morning, but since I was a little hung over, I didn't say anything.
Scene 2:
[For this scene, in the interest of artistic variety, my helper monkey will be portraying the exact opposite of Pappy's New Year's Eve experience at a Chicago bar.]
Helper monkey doesn't drink anything at all, gets laid and then doesn't throw up.
Thank you for coming to the show.
However, my helper monkey has graciously agreed to act out my Christmas and New Years holidays for you. Since I can't load video, I'll just describe it to you.
ACT I: Christmas
Scene 1: Helper monkey is bouncing off of walls, running circles on the floor, and pretending to be going through a metal detector (Flew home on Friday the 23rd). Helper monkey stops, flips off metal detector guy and then jumps up and down pretending he is an airplane. Runs into more walls (not entirely accurate, given the fact that my plane didn't crash, but what do you expect from a monkey?).
Scene 2: Helper monkey running around slapping his ass like he is on a horse and makes a lariat out of paper clips. Ropes Vern the Fern, nearly dies as Vern the Fern lists to the right before returning to precious balance. I think he is trying to show that I got a new pair of boots on Christmas Eve from the wife (carmel colored ostrich skin. fucking great). Not sure what he is doing now, but he continues to slap his ass.
Scene 3: Helper monkey rams his head into the wall repeatedly (Christmas Mass).
Scene 4: Now, he's walking around like a zombie, and throwing paper in the air (Got up early, went to Dad's, opened presents).
Scene 5: Helper monkey again rams his head into the wall, then takes a blue marker and stabs himself in the eye (the glass one he lost in the bottle rocket incident). This is the part where I got up at 2 AM on the 26th and flew my ass all the fucking way back to Chicago to work on getting a deal closed. I was very much tired and cranky.
ACT II: New Year's Eve (Eve)
Scene 1: Helper monkey is eating cotton balls, paper clips, that wierd ball of dust from behind my computer cords and my blackberry cord. Now he's licking the floor. (Wife and I went to Charlie Trotter's for dinner on the 29th. Best restaurant in Chicago.) Now, helper money is shaking his head and crying. (It was fucking expensive).
ACT III: New Year's Eve
Scene 1: Helper monkey shaking hands with imaginary guests (Pappy and friend came to visit for the weekend). Now, pushing them off imaginary balcony. That didn't happen, but you know how my helper monkey feels about Nebraskans, and bohemians in general--I caught him pissing in Pappy's coffee on Sunday morning, but since I was a little hung over, I didn't say anything.
Scene 2:
[For this scene, in the interest of artistic variety, my helper monkey will be portraying the exact opposite of Pappy's New Year's Eve experience at a Chicago bar.]
Helper monkey doesn't drink anything at all, gets laid and then doesn't throw up.
Thank you for coming to the show.
posted by White Hat Black Hat at 1:58 PM
3 Comments:
I just did the silent laugh for about 5 minutes.
Also - note to self and anyone else reading these comments: The new "XXL" mascara that comes in a black and white bottle definitely runs when you laugh so hard that you cry.
Otherwise, it's very very sexy.
P.S. Someday, I'd like to hear about the bottle rocket incident. I'm sure it has something to do with Zeb (the helper monkey) having an eye patch and developing a pirate-like personality.
P.P.S. Poor puking pappy.
In my defense I did not hurl until 10:00 am on January 1 and I think it was the raw fish WHBH served at his dinner party before going out. Didn't get laid, but then again what the fuck else is new (helper monkey needs to find a new punch-line).
You should get your helper monkey one of these.
www.theonion.com/content/node/40996
I think he would look good in that plaid shirt.
Post a Comment
<< Home