G.D.L.

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers."

I never got my GDL. H.D. generally served as the issuing agency for that, and he was pretty particular about who received their GDL. Only the most proficient drivers received one. Pothead got one. Snot got one. I think that even Captain Idiot may have got one after he nearly rolled the suburban while hitting a 90 degree turn 40 miles an hour too fast trying to outrun a tornado. But I never got my Gravel Drivers License. I think H.D. refused to issue me my GDL just to keep me from ever achieving complete serenity--because although I can't slide through a bridge sideways and have never left the road, run through a fence, and driven through a cornfield simply because making the corner would have involved slowing down, I have exhibited my share of prowess when it comes to the world of backroad driving, including driving from the window, from the passenger seat and from the hood (that's the hard one).

I don't have any backroads to drive on any more, and probably will never get my GDL, because now I live in the middle of a concrete jungle. However, I'm discovering that driving in Chicago can be just as interesting and have considered establishing a FDL for those who reach the top eschelon of city driving. The FDL, or Fucking Driving Licence, is so named because at the peak of city driving performance, that is what the driver generally yells while in the middle of 8 lanes of rush hour traffic. Some examples:
1. Move your ass, I'm fucking driving here.
2. No! I'm just fucking driving. (me, in response to "Are you lost?")
3. What is wrong with these people, don't they know I'm fucking driving over here?
4. Shut up, or you can do the fucking driving.

Some FDL mandatory qualifications:
1. Must be able to force that Benz, Porsche, BMW, etc to either drop back or swerve into another lane without actually causing it to wreck.
2. Must be able to refuse to drop back or swerve when city dump truck or super-ice-head-cabbie is 3 inches from your mirror with their blinker on.
3. Must truly believe that pedestrians are worth 10 points (20 if they actually try to jump out of the way and you still get them).
4. Must have mastered the art of fitting a 12 foot vehicle into a 10 foot opening in traffic.

Secondary FDL qualifications:
1. Accelerating through yellow lights.
2. "Rolling stops" through all stop signs, etc.
3. Complete denial of any work zone speed limits.

FDL disqualifications:
1. Ever, fucking ever, looking at the scenery while driving. At the end of the trip, you should not be able to comment on anything more than 5 feet from the side of the road.
2. Stopping at a light more than 4 1/2 inches behind the person in front of you. Any gap greater than 6 inches will lead to you being cut off by the cabbie next to you.
3. Slowing down by easing up or stepping off the accelerator. Speed up until you have to stop. There are two pedals: gas and break. Use one or the other. No third option.

H.D. will never get his FDL.

WhiteHatBlackHat