White Hat Black Hat

Stupid Groundhog

2009-02-02T08:53:00.003-06:00

Evidently, Punxsutawney Fucking Phil the groundhog saw his shadow this morning. 6 more weeks of winter. Stupid rodent.

Obama is here. Everything will be fine tomorrow.

2009-01-21T08:43:00.002-06:00

President Obama was inaugurated yesterday, and I watched his speech. It was interesting to compare it to the campaign speeches he gave earlier. He really dialed back the rhetoric and told people how it was: things suck right now, they are going to suck for a long time, but eventually, with hard work, we can make things better. Good message, but certainly different from what we heard before.

I think it will be interesting to see how the public's perception of Obama changes over the next 6 months -- I predict his approval rating drops 20%. Current favorable/unfavorable polls show (from RCP):

RCP Average: 73% Favorable -- 14.8% Unfavorable
ABC News/Wash Post: 79% Favorable -- 18% Unfavorable
CBS News/NY Times: 60% Favorable -- 9% Unfavorable
Fox News: 76% Favorable -- 15% Unfavorable
NBC News/WSJ: 66% Favorable -- 14% Unfavorable
USA Today/Gallup: 78% Favorable -- 18% Unfavorable
Pew: 79% Favorable -- 15% Unfavorable

I'm not trying to put down Obama -- I think he'll be a good president (although given my expectations of a president, that may not be saying much). I just don't think that the president really has any power to effect true change. People's expectations are sky high right now, and unfortunately many of them expect that change to come in the next few weeks.

Govenors are Funny

2008-12-09T09:36:00.003-06:00

Right now, every Illinois governor for the last 10 years -- since 1998 -- is in federal custody or federal prison.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blagojevich

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Ryan

In case you missed the news, our governor was arrested this morning for trying to sell a Senate seat (he gets to appoint Obama's replacement).

Working the Crowd

2008-11-19T18:36:00.004-06:00

Maybe it's because I have a 9 month old who just learned to wave (at EVERYONE), but I thought this was hilarious.

[deleted]

B.H.O.

2008-11-05T08:39:00.002-06:00

I'm not worried. Really. Everything will be fine.

So Obama got elected (but let's be clear, it was not a "landslide" -- he crushed the electoral college but won the popular vote by 5.5%), and the GOP generally got their butts handed to them. One thing to note, though, is that the true majority of voters voted for Obama. Over half. Finally, someone who we can all say truly, without a doubt, won a democratic election.

The reasons I'm not worried:
1. Things are already in the shitter. Really, how much worse can Obama do?
2. He isn't going to touch my guns because the Heller decision just came out of the Supreme Court. The last thing a first term president wants to do is take or support any action that is later found to be unconstitutional.
3. Obama would love to raise my taxes, but until the economy improves, he is handcuffed on that point. Just to be perfectly clear, anyone, regardless of party, who believes that the best way to help the economy break out of a recession is to increase taxes on businesses and investors needs to have their head examined. That $1,000 tax break on the middle class doesn't look so appealing to a person who just lost their job because their employer went under.

Why I'm hopeful:
1. Finally, the religious right completely and utterly FAILED to get anyone elected. They got crushed by young voters, moderate voters, independent voters, and everyone else who doesn't believe that the most important issues faced by this country are abortion and gay marriage. It's time for the GOP to wake the fuck up and realize that social conservatism is going to be their downfall. It didn't help them in this election, and it will continue to cost them elections until they distance themselves from the crazy people.
2. With a minority being elected as President of the United States, maybe Jesse, Al and Louis can just shut the fuck up now. I think that this will wake people up to the fact that the real issue is socio-economic status, not race.
3. Obama won without the help of Kennedy, Pelosi, Reid, et. al. He hasn't leaned on them so far, and I hope that means he'll continue to avoid the lunatic left.

One of my favorite non-share partners at my firm (we have a two-tier partnership -- one for the money, two for the show) has a great saying. He says when they make you a partner, your reward for years of wading through hip-high shit is a bigger pile of shit. Obama inherits a country fighting two unpopular wars, with almost no good will among foreign governments, and floundering in one of the worst economic cycles since the 30s. Congratulations, Mr. President.

Aaaaahhhhhhhh.

2008-10-22T16:31:00.002-05:00

It's been busy, but work is officially slowing down. I have a few active deals and a few in the pipeline, but I'm no longer here in the middle of the night, so that is great. The last few months have been like this (which, for my litigation and prosecutor friends, means "busy") -- some deals were separate sign and close, and some were simultaneous sign and close:

4/19 Sign Deal #1
5/2 Close Deal #2
6/23 Close Deal #1
8/27 Sign Deal #3
9/16 Sign Deal #4
9/22 Close Deal #5
9/30 Close Deal #3
10/10 Close Deal #4

So, basically, every two weeks from August through October we were either signing up a deal or closing a deal. We closed 5 deals worth over $300 million in 6 months. September was my highest billable month ever, and I took three days off for my sister's wedding.

All in all, not something I'm looking to repeat. Ever. But, all is well now, because I get to go to Iowa and shoot things this weekend.

Fun like a monkey.

2008-10-10T01:01:00.002-05:00

This was the opening line of the last email I sent out:

"Please use the following dial-in for an all hands call to confirm closing status and finalize any open items at 2:45 am est/11:45 pm pst."

Really, conference calls in the middle of the night are fantastic. Be a lawyer. Really. Lots and lots of fun.

Blah.

2008-09-17T11:08:00.001-05:00

I'm tired.

I think I'll take tomorrow off.

And, while I'm wishing for the impossible, I'd also like the Bears to get a damn quarterback.

Palin

2008-09-03T01:19:00.002-05:00

WORST. DECISION. EVER.

There are very few people that McCain could have picked for a VP candidate that would make me choose not to vote for him. Palin makes that list. Fucking politics.

However, I did hear that she was the vice president of her high school Art Club, so that should really come in handy when McCain kicks off and leaves her to, you know, run the most powerful country in the world. That, and I'm guessing that handling all of those high level, critical issues while acting as mayor of a town of 7,000 two years ago will really give her a leg up when it comes time for diplomatic trips to the middle east, Russia, blah, blah, blah.

Still, that being said, I think McCain has a huge chance here in Illinois. In fact, yesterday I saw two cars that didn't have Obama stickers on them, and I read on the news that Illinois teens are apparently having babies, so that should play in McCain's favor.

I'm voting libertarian.

Dovey, Dove, Dovealicious.

2008-08-29T22:54:00.003-05:00

Where oh where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here with no guns? I searched the world over and landed in Chi-town, but there are no doves here, no guns and no fun.

Kansas Dove Season Opens September 1st. Needless to say, I will not be blasting the hell out of the little fuckers for yet another year. Maybe I'll get lucky and my bus will hit a pigeon on the way to work Monday -- just something to tide me over until pheasant season.

I have a beautiful wife, a perfect baby girl and a big fucking new house, but if I don't get to go dove hunting next year, I'm calling it a wash. Seriously, only hunting 3 or 4 days a year is no way to live.

P.S. I used the phrase "It's nut-cutting time" yesterday on a call. Highlight of my legal career so far.

Hippies.

2008-08-27T22:26:00.001-05:00

I gave peace a chance. Then I chambered a round.

If I don't shoot something soon, I'm going to go nuts. Fuck.

Congratulations. You are a Dickhead Scholar

2008-08-04T15:44:00.001-05:00

According to ESPN, Pat Summitt, the Lady Vols' coach, endowed a $100,000 scholarship in honor of her parents -- Richard and Hazel Head. A great gift, but perhaps "The Head Family Scholarship" or something would be more appropriate (or at least less likely to make people laugh at the awards ceremony.

Stupid Bulls.

2008-07-08T08:47:00.002-05:00

Stupid Bulls. In the draft, the picked the hometown guy, flash in the pan, Derrick Rose instead of the clear number 1 (and K-State freshman), Michael Beasly. The Miami Heat took Beasly at number 2, and met up with the Bulls last night.

The Bulls got rocked. Beasly was good. Rose did nothing. Boy, this season ought to be a lot of fun.

Couple of highlights from the S.I. story:

"Beasley scored 28 points in 23 minutes, lifting Miami past Chicago 94-70 Monday in the Orlando summer league opener for both teams."

"He was 9-for-21 from the field, with nine rebounds and 19 points in the second half -- matching the total that Bulls forwards Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas, both second-year NBA pros, managed in the entire game. The Bulls started with Thomas guarding Beasley, switched to put Noah on him midway through the first quarter, and neither had much of an answer."

"Meanwhile, Rose had some moments, but simply never took over the game the way Beasley did offensively."

On a side note, the guy guarding Rose most of the night was Mario Chalmers -- the KU player who hit the 3-pointer at the buzzer to send the NCAA championship into over time.

Must be something in that Kansas water.

Update -- Guns, Tattoos and Tornados (and Jackasses)

2008-06-30T10:52:00.007-05:00

Lots of stuff to update:

First, the US Supreme Court bitch slapped Washington DC and told them that the Bill of Rights provides an individual right to bear arms. Chi-town is next (suits against the handgun ban were filed within 15 minutes of the decision), so I'm bringing my P90 home soon. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Second, even though the in-laws were in town this weekend, it was just too hard to pass up the body art expo at Navy Pier on Saturday. For my next one, I'm looking at working with Rodney Taylor at Speakeasy (formerly of Insight Studios), P at Mystic, or someone at Chi-Town Tattoo (only if it turns out this is the next generation of Miami/LA Ink, which means they brought a bunch of really good artists into one new shop).

Third, I'll pull together a full post on the Chapman tornado soon. There have been several charities set up (still checking to see if they are 501(c)(3)'s) and the rebuilding and cleanup is moving forward.

Finally, Democrats are stupid. Obama has now contributed to Hillary's campaign, because poor, poor Hillary put her campaign $20 million in debt. How anyone can view this as anything besides making Hillary a paid mouthpiece for Obama ([insert Bill/Monica joke here]) is beyond me.

Guns Guns Guns

2008-06-26T09:11:00.003-05:00

The US Supreme Court is expected to hand down its decision today on District of Columbia v. Heller. Heller is the case challenging Washington D.C.'s ban on firearms, and is the most important second amendment case in 68 years (since they talked about sawed off shotguns, which, by the way, kick ass), or arguably ever.

At issue is whether the right to bear arms is an individual right or a collective right of a militia. The bottom line is whether the government, like the city of Chicago, can tell its citizens, like me, that they have to leave their guns at the city limits.

My prediction: The court will decide that the right to bear arms is an individual right, and the government may not restrict that right except in very important circumstances. Any restrictions will be subject to "strict scrutiny" (remembered that term from Con Law) just like restrictions on free speech or religion.

Poor Hillary

2008-06-24T08:52:00.002-05:00

Poor Hillary. In her quixotic quest to win the Democratic nomination, tilting at windmills months after everyone knew she had lost, her campaign ended up about $20 MILLION in debt (about half of which she personally loaned her campaign).

Now, she would like your help paying off that debt.

From her website: "By helping us pay off our campaign debt, you're not just helping Hillary elect a Democratic president and grow our majority in Congress. You're making it possible for her to work as hard as she can on the issues we care about."

Only a Clinton could make a request as assinine as this. With gas prices at record highs and all of the economic difficulty in our country right now, this crazy lady (with a family fortune in excess of $100 million), would like all of us to help bail her out of a problem she created for herself.

Here's a quarter you raving lunatic. Call someone who gives a shit.

Pray.

2008-06-12T12:26:00.004-05:00

Here is my high school.

Pray for the town of Chapman, Kansas and all of the people dealing with this.

(My family is all ok -- no damage to the farm or Mom's place.)

Closer and Closer.

2008-05-16T18:08:00.002-05:00

Just read this story about how the rising food costs are impacting people on food stamps. Key words and phrases used are

"food stamps ran out nearly two weeks ago"

"dire straits" "struggling to get through the month"

and

"the level of desperation are just frightening"

I'll say it again -- if something doesn't change soon, you're going to see riots in the streets.

SIDE NOTE:

Having said that, here are two other quotes from the story:

""Ain't got no food left, the kids are probably hungry," said Brown, a 23-year-old single mother. . ." 23, no man around, multiple kids, no education. The problem here goes way beyond food being expensive.

"For now, many of the needy, including many in Kladis' store pushing carts laden with soda pop, bags of cookies and chips — much of it cheaper than healthier food — are doing what they can to stretch their shrinking buying power." What a bunch of fucking bullshit. You want healthy shit cheap? Put down the fucking chips and pop and buy potatos, rice, beans and cheap fucking bottom shelf generic cereal. Find those fucking bright yellow Always Save cans. I grew up on Always Save. That shit will cure what ails you, and I can guarantee it goes a lot further than fucking cookies. Fuck. Raman Damn Noodles are a quarter a fucking package.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-09T10:47:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I know it's a few days early, but it's Friday, so what the hell.

Here are a couple of videos to celebrate the holiday.

This one basically sums up every family event my family has ever had.

Here's another completely appropriate Mother's Day video.

P.S. Happy's Mother's Day to my mom and my wife. It's totally their fault I turned out this way.

Poop.

2008-05-08T08:54:00.002-05:00

On the way to work today, I saw a tour/convention bus with a big sign on the side advertising "the #1 Fecal Incontinence Management System." Yeah, I googled it.

Couldn't they just have said, "Shitting yourself alot? Give us a holler!"?

Also, I have an issue with calling a #2 machine the #1 anything.

What, me worry?

2008-04-29T12:28:00.008-05:00

In Minneapolis, several hundred men and women smashed the windows of a grocery market and made off with fruit, canned goods, bacon, and ham. One of the store's owners pulled out a gun to stop the looters, but was leapt upon and had his arm broken. The "riot" was brought under control by 100 policemen. Seven people were arrested. (Description of riots during the Great Depression, February 1931.)

Over a year ago, my dad was up visiting and I somehow got off on the tangent of the possibility of riots in downtown Chicago (in short, it was something along the wandering lines of the real estate market, pushing low-income families out of the city into the suburbs, the destruction and gentrification of Cabrini Green, the expanding gap between the "haves" and the "have nots", all of my guns being 600 miles away, and several cans of Busch Light).

Pretty sure that Dad thought I was being paranoid. He said something like "is this something you think about a lot?" Actually, sort of. I think we are one spark away from riots downtown. It would only take one low-income mother being arrested for stealing milk or something showing up on the news, plus one idiot (think Sharpton, Jesse, Obama's minister, etc.) holding a rally in front of the grocery store, for everything to blow up. The ensuing riot would be less defined by race, and more by socio-economic status.

Food riots are becoming a reality throughout the world, and as prices continue to rise, more and more people are questioning whether (or when) they will happen in the U.S., including members of the mainstream media (Wall Street Journal, the AP) and the usual outliers/crazypeople (indybay, Economie). The Wikipedia page on this continues to expand, and both Time (here, here, here and here) and CNN have devoted substantial coverage to the issue. There is lots of interesting information out there.

I'm not saying that everyone should run out and buy a 12 gauge and a 25 lb. bag of pinto beans (although I highly recommned the 12 gauge, and pinto beans are damn good beans). I am saying that as a general matter, Americans remain blissfully ignorant to the situation, and the "head in the sand" approach to preparedness is going to lead to lots of problems for lots of people.

Because it's important.

2008-03-17T18:48:00.003-05:00

FYI. The US Supreme Court hears arguments tomorrow on the constitutionality of the DC gun ban. Their decision is expected in June.

http://www.abovethelaw.com/2008/03/scotus_takes_on_
the_second_ame_1.php

"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Amendment_to_the_
United_States_Constitution

My Sister the Reporter

2008-03-12T16:55:00.002-05:00

My sister broke this story, and then the AP ran with it, and now it is the #1 most popular story on Yahoo news.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080312
/ap_on_re_us/woman_in_bathroom;_ylt
=AovLvRTacPTzrl.UzwJzewIDW7oF

How fucking awesome is that?

Democrats are Stupid

2008-03-07T12:00:00.004-06:00

As a republican, I think this is fucking hilarious. The democratic party has put itself in a position where, absent a change to the status quo, neither Obama or that psycho lady can win the nomination.

Here is what CNN said:

CNN) -- Democrats agree that new voting is needed to determine convention delegates for Florida and Michigan, but they can't figure out how to pay for it.

Both states held their Democratic presidential preference primaries early, in January. For that, the Democratic National Committee followed through on its warning and stripped both of their delegates for violating party rules by scheduling their primaries too early.

The Democratic candidates agreed not to campaign in either state, and New York Sen. Hillary Clinton, who won both states, was the only top-tier candidate on the ballot in Michigan.

Now, neither Illinois Sen. Barack Obama nor Clinton will be able to attain the 2,024 delegates needed to clinch the nomination without delegates from Florida and Michigan.

McCain is going to win either way.

I'm Back

2008-02-22T16:44:00.003-06:00

Ok, so it's been a while since I last posted. So sue me.

At least I posted a fun monkey reference today:

New Toy

2007-12-05T17:53:00.000-06:00

This is my Christmas present from the wife (I know, because I helped pick it out):

Browning Citori Grade IV Lightning. 12 gauge with a 26" barrel.

I think I'm going to have to shoot lots of pheasant and quail over the holidays. And, absent that, I'll have to shoot lots of hedge balls and beer cans.

There's a class for that?

2007-11-09T08:26:00.000-06:00

Growing up on the farm, I've hauled, shoveled, forked, spread, swept and otherwise generally dealt with cow shit, horse shit, sheep shit, pig shit and chicken shit. During 4 years of college, I lived in the middle of all of Pothead's shit (pre-Pile System). Every day in Chicago, I deal with all kinds of bullshit. Amazingly enough, no training was ever required to handle all of that shit.

So someone please explain to me how I got signed up for a class that includes instructions on how to change a diaper.

I'm Not Ignoring You

2007-11-02T02:59:00.000-05:00

It's been a fucking week, man. Last week was great -- spent Saturday through Friday in Grand Cayman just sitting on the beach and drinking beer. This week, not so much.

It's not the starting time so much. 8 am is fine. It's the ending time.

Sunday ended at 6 am Monday.
Monday ended at 2 am Tuesday.
Tuesday ended at 4:15 am Wednesday.
Wednesday ended at 2:30 this morning.
Today ended at . . . It's fucking 3 am right now.

So, I'm not ignoring you. I'm just busy.

WHBH.

Beaches

2007-10-18T18:18:00.001-05:00

I'm going to go sit on the beach for a week down in the Cayman Islands starting Saturday.

I'm going to go snorkeling and sit by the pool. I'm going to drink beer for breakfast. I'm going to go deep sea fishing, and catch a big fucking fish. If I feel like it, I may not shave the whole time I'm down there. Above all, I'm planning on losing my blackberry overboard on the first fucking boat I can get on.

Monday

2007-09-24T18:30:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday Sis!

Sheep.

2007-09-20T16:59:00.000-05:00

Politicians are worthless. So are people who protest the incarceration of a 4 time convicted criminal.

People are sheep.

Security Cards

2007-09-12T09:02:00.001-05:00

You would not believe the number of otherwise very intelligent, sophisticated attorneys that I work with that keep their security card in their back pocket or clipped to their hip. All of our sensors are at about 4 foot high, so the end result is someone doing a pirouette or a hip check on their tip toes to open a door. The best part? When they miss the first time and have to add in a little hop the second time around.

PS: I carry mine in my pocket and take it out to open the door. No spinning or hopping.

Gimme back my bullets.

2007-09-06T14:04:00.001-05:00

I'm so fucking excited. To paraphrase 50 Cent: I love my guns like a fat kid loves cake.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-guns_wed1sep05,0,3684121.story

D.C. gun case may hit Chicago

City's law is next target if foes win in Supreme Court
By James Oliphant Washington Bureau
September 5, 2007

WASHINGTON - Those who would do away with Washington's near-total ban on handguns will tell you point-blank their next target: Chicago.

Gun-rights advocates scored a stunning success earlier this year when a three-judge panel of a federal appeals court in Washington swept aside the District of Columbia's ban on owning handguns, which had been in place since 1976.

On Tuesday, the district government appealed the decision to the Supreme Court. If the court takes the case, as many observers believe it will, it could place Chicago's handgun ban, as well as similar laws nationwide, in jeopardy.

Dove Season

2007-08-27T19:02:00.000-05:00

Dove season starts in 4 days. And yet again I am not going to be shooting any fucking dove. This seems to be a recurring problem.

Three things I'd rather be doing right now, instead of working:

1. Driving through a pasture.
2. Sitting in the back of a truck.
3. Shooting fucking dove.

Still here.

2007-08-16T14:36:00.001-05:00

Things are busy.

Update

2007-08-07T14:07:00.000-05:00

Update.

You Just Have to Laugh

2007-07-03T15:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, what the politicians say is so ridiculous that you can't even be mad at them. You just have to laugh. Like this story:

"KEOKUK, Iowa - Democratic presidential contender Hillary Rodham Clinton drew a distinction between President Bush's decision to commute the sentence of White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby — which she has harshly criticized — and her husband's 140 pardons in his closing hours in office. . . . Her husband's pardons, issued in the closing hours of his presidency, were simply routine exercise in the use of the pardon power, and none were aimed at protecting the Clinton presidency or legacy, she said."

More Pearls and Spanish

2007-06-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

Since both the Spanish language (also here) and Pearls Before Swine (also here, here, here and here) (and sometimes both) have become a recurring theme in this blog, I figured I'd better put up today's strip.

Also, for those of you who are looking to waste a little time, here is an awesome site that shows things blowing up in a microwave. Absolutely fantastic.

Update 28 June 07:

New Tattoo

2007-06-15T10:33:00.000-05:00

I just about have the wife talked in to letting me get a new tattoo.** So, now I need to pick exactly what I want. I have a couple of ideas, but am somewhat limited since I already have the whole pistol/bible thing covered.

Current front runners:

1. Dragon from shoulder blade over top of right shoulder.

2. Coulple of heads of wheat on left ribs.

3. John Wayne from True Grit below right shoulder or on right ribs.

4. Pheasant on right shoulder.

5. Battleship named U.S.S. Mother, center chest, with eagle flying over it holding an American flag in one foot and a naked lady in the other, and with Calvin standing on the edge pissing on Hillary Clinton.

**For all of my idiot buddies who are going to give me shit about checking with my wife to get a tattoo, don't bother. Tattoos are permanent, and thus, tattoos that piss her off would be a permanent problem. Like women don't have a Rolodex of everything we've ever done wrong anyway -- probably don't need a visual reminder. My wife is better than most about it, but that doesn't mean that the time I showed up late (and slightly intoxicated) for her birthday --- seven years ago --- doesn't occasionally get some play.

JMWWGGC

2007-06-13T18:20:00.000-05:00

Johnnie, Merle, Waylon, Willie, George, George and Chris.

Fuel Up and Load the Guns

2007-06-08T15:15:00.000-05:00

Now the news is that Paris Hilton, idiot that she is, got 45 days in jail for a misdemeanor probation violation. Some idiot judge felt like that was reasonable. Fucking stupid. People don't get that much time for their second misdemeanor conviction, much less a simple reckless driving and driving on a suspended license case. People actually think this makes sense?

However, the brilliant citizenry of this nation seems to have very little problem with allowing employers across the country to hire illegal aliens and get away with little more than a hand slap. Hell, in Texas, the fucking courts won't even let a town pass a law making it illegal to rent housing to illegal aliens. In Cali-fucking-fornia, they killed the same thing. You can go to jail if you hide your friend in the ceiling when the cops show up for aiding and abetting. But if you actually give a criminal a place to live, evidently that is fine.

I'm filling up the buggy, getting my guns, and heading for the hills. This "civilized" life is fucking stupid.

So Many Important Topics

2007-06-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

I read this story (buried away at the bottom of the list of news stories) about this psychotic fucking bitch Shelia Phelps-Roper (a member of Freddy Fucking Phelps' inbred clan) getting arrested while protesting across from a soldier's funeral. She was charged with, among other things, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and mutilating a flag for allowing her 10 year old son to stomp on an American flag. That got me thinking about the constitutional protection for free speech and for expressive conduct -- specifically, the protection of expressive flag burning from Texas v. Johnson. I was thinking about posting a discussion about whether this type of behavior fits under Texas v. Johnson or whether it falls into a "fighting words" exception, given the location and the audience.

Then, however, I read this story (front and center as one of today's top stories) about Paris Hilton being released from jail 3 days in to her 23 day sentence.

I just don't know where to go from here.

Nope.

2007-06-06T14:37:00.001-05:00

Is it Friday yet?

Catching Up

2007-05-31T19:12:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted for awhile, so I figured I'd better catch up.

I went home for memorial day weekend to see family and go to my 10-year class reunion. Probably will post more on that later. Overall, the reunion was fun, but nothing too exciting. Met Sis' boyfriend on Sunday, and he passed initial inspection (confirmed the Star Wars pic was for a costume party). Went to visit the family cemetary and pointed out to the wife where we will be buried. She was less enthusiastic than I anticipated. Spent time at Mom's and cleaned all my guns. That's about it.

Also, evidently a couple of the law school buddies are now reading this, so it's only fitting to give them a mention. As with everyone in this fucking blog, we'll stick with nicknames: Vin, Mox, B. and Sally. (Today, B. stands for "bitch" because he, for some unknown reason, wants me to pay him what I owe from the trip to the casino.) To kind of explain them, here is a quick description:

If each of them were rocks:
B. = Some sort of slate or something. Probably painted orange.
Sally = Granite.
Mox = Medium sized piece of limestone.
Vin = A rock with tattoos.

What they would do if they weren't attorneys:
B. = Teacher. At an all boys school.
Sally = Hippy.
Mox = Alligator.
Vin = Carny.

Their role in our lively little group:
B. = Antagonist.
Sally = Person in charge of always being right.
Mox = Gets the girls.
Vin = Breaking pool sticks for no apparent reason.

Heading Home

2007-05-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

Heading back home for the Memorial Day weekend. Here is the things to do list:

1. Drive on gravel roads. A lot.

2. Work through the gun safe. The 45 needs some target practice, I need to make sure the 30-06 is sighted in, haven't shot the .22 at anything for awhile, and all of the shotguns need broken down. Everything needs cleaned and oiled.

3. Go to 10 year class reunion.

4. Spend time with the fam, including meeting sister's new boyfriend. See #2 above.

5. Sit on front porches. Drink iced tea.

A Good Guy

2007-05-15T14:04:00.000-05:00

What a great story. Thought that this warranted posting, given my usual level of disgust with professional athletes (as shown here, here and here), trumped only by my feelings for the French.

CLEVELAND -- Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards has pledged $1 million in college scholarships for students in the city who keep at least a 2.5 grade point average through high school.

Edwards' foundation is choosing 100 eighth-graders from the city's 58,000-student district for the program, which will include mentoring and tutoring. The students will also volunteer for 15 hours of community service each year and will not be allowed unexcused absences, the Browns said in a statement.

Edwards is scheduled to announce the program on Wednesday, along with the 100 students and Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson, at Lincoln-West High School.

The program follows Edwards' decision last year to donate $500,000 to the University of Michigan, where Edwards played from 2001-2004, to create a scholarship endowment for football players.

Sam's an Idiot

2007-05-14T09:52:00.000-05:00

Sam Brownback is an idiot.

Here is a quote from a recent speech in Wisconsin (home of the Packers and St. Favre):

"This is your line in football. If you don't have a line, how many passes can Peyton Manning complete? Greatest quarterback, maybe, in NFL history."

Probably not the way to go. Maybe even more telling with respect to this guy's lack of grey matter, he was using the football example to talk about rebuilding the family. Dumbass.

Lawyers and Such

2007-05-11T10:36:00.000-05:00

Willie and Waylon were full of shit.

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks,
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such.

Yeah, because this is a whole lot of fun.

Pizza

2007-05-02T19:35:00.001-05:00

I'm eating pizza for dinner. Maybe two pizzas.

I rock.

Politicians = Dumbshits

2007-05-01T22:23:00.000-05:00

Fucking disgusting.

I hate politicians. I am completely disgusted by the fact that we allow these people to have power. They bicker and bitch like a bunch of eighth grade girls and completely ignore the fact that they are supposed to be working to make the country better. The fucking democrats, even though they have known since before starting to draft it, passed a funding bill that included a time table for troop withdrawal. Whether you agree with the time table or not, you have to believe that it was a huge waste of time, tax dollars, public energy and every other precious fucking commodity out there for these jackasses to draft, debate and pass a bill that had no hope of ever becoming law. No single one of these fuckers worked to build on the common ground between the parties (i.e., benchmarks). Instead, they wasted time and energy arguing over something that neither would ever give on .

When I was young, I thought I might want to be a politician some day. After seeing these worthless sacks of shit, I've decided instead that I want to make a fuck load of money and buy a couple of these puppets for myself. The federal government is shit. It is ruled by lobbyists and under the table cash, and any good people still left in DC are so overpowered by the wave of shit of the rest of the crowd that they have no chance to do anything worth while.

Dance you fucking puppets.

Excerpt from the news:

Lacking the votes to override the president, Democrats have already signaled they intend to approve a replacement bill stripped of the troop withdrawal timetable. Determined to challenge Bush's policy, they are turning their attention to setting goals for the Iraqi government to meet as it struggles to establish a more secure, democratic society.

The White House and congressional Republicans have also called for so-called benchmarks, but only if they don't mandate a troop withdrawal or some other major change in war policy.
Bush will meet with congressional leaders — Democrats and Republicans alike — on Wednesday to discuss new legislation.

He said Democrats had made a political statement by passing anti-war legislation. "They've sent their message, and now it's time to put politics behind us and support our troops with the funds," the president said.

S.H.A.B.

2007-05-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

Sis has a boyfriend.

Thursday.

2007-04-26T14:36:00.000-05:00

Thursday. Haven't updated this blog for awhile, and figured I should, but I can't think of anything good to write about, except for the fact that I just spelled "write" as "wright", "Writ" and "right" before I finally got it right, so evidently my brain is malfunctioning, which would be about par for the course at three pm on a Thursday since it is almost Friday so it is almost the weekend, and I probably won't have to work on Saturday, so I'm kind of looking forward to the weekend (except for Sunday, since I probably will have to work then, unless something changes and things get pushed back or something).

Running

2007-04-18T16:12:00.000-05:00

The wife and I, inspired by friends who ran the shamrock shuffle, have decided to run in the Run for the Zoo 5K in June. 5 kilometers is 3.1 miles. Now, 3.1 miles doesn't sound like very far, until you try to run it. Then, it is a very long way. Especially since I never have been much of a runner. I'm more of a "let-it-run-then-I'll-shoot-it-and-walk-over-and-pick-it-up" kind of guy. So this whole thing is understandably a little foreign (not to be confused with a little foreigner).

Anyway, on Monday I ran 5K on a treadmill in 29 minutes and 35 seconds. I'm pretty happy with that.

Speaking the Truth

2007-04-12T09:58:00.000-05:00

I don't usually care for Jason Whitlock (ex-ESPN, now KC Star columnist). Still, being a black man, he was able to say what so many white commentators could not about recent events.

Here are excerpts from his column from 4/11:

Instead of wasting time on irrelevant shock jock, black leaders need to be fighting a growing gangster culture.

Thank you, Don Imus. You’ve given us (black people) an excuse to avoid our real problem.
You’ve given Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson another opportunity to pretend that the old fight, which is now the safe and lucrative fight, is still the most important fight in our push for true economic and social equality. . . .

Thank you, Don Imus. You extended Black History Month to April, and we can once again wallow in victimhood, protest like it’s 1965 and delude ourselves into believing that fixing your hatred is more necessary than eradicating our self-hatred. . . .

While we’re fixated on a bad joke cracked by an irrelevant, bad shock jock, I’m sure at least one of the marvelous young women on the Rutgers basketball team is somewhere snapping her fingers to the beat of 50 Cent’s or Snoop Dogg’s or Young Jeezy’s latest ode glorifying nappy-headed pimps and hos.

I ain’t saying Jesse, Al and Vivian are gold-diggas, but they don’t have the heart to mount a legitimate campaign against the real black-folk killas.

It is us. At this time, we are our own worst enemies. We have allowed our youths to buy into a culture (hip hop) that has been perverted, corrupted and overtaken by prison culture. The music, attitude and behavior expressed in this culture is anti-black, anti-education, demeaning, self-destructive, pro-drug dealing and violent.

Rather than confront this heinous enemy from within, we sit back and wait for someone like Imus to have a slip of the tongue and make the mistake of repeating the things we say about ourselves.

It’s embarrassing. Dave Chappelle was offered $50 million to make racially insensitive jokes about black and white people on TV. He was hailed as a genius. Black comedians routinely crack jokes about white and black people, and we all laugh out loud. . . .

I watched the Rutgers news conference and was ashamed.

Martin Luther King Jr. spoke for eight minutes in 1963 at the March on Washington. At the time, black people could be lynched and denied fundamental rights with little thought. With the comments of a talk-show host most of her players had never heard of before last week serving as her excuse, Vivian Stringer rambled on for 30 minutes about the amazing season her team had. . . .

This is opportunism.

This is a distraction.

In the grand scheme, Don Imus is no threat to us in general and no threat to black women in particular. If his words are so powerful and so destructive and must be rebuked so forcefully, then what should we do about the idiot rappers on BET, MTV and every black-owned radio station in the country who use words much more powerful and much more destructive?

I don’t listen or watch Imus’ show regularly. Has he at any point glorified selling crack cocaine to black women? Has he celebrated black men shooting each other randomly? Has he suggested in any way that it’s cool to be a baby-daddy rather than a husband and a parent? Does he tell his listeners that they’re suckers for pursuing education and that they’re selling out their race if they do?

When Imus does any of that, call me and I’ll get upset. Until then, he is what he is — a washed-up shock jock who is very easy to ignore when you’re not looking to be made a victim.

No. We all know where the real battleground is. We know that the gangsta rappers and their followers in the athletic world have far bigger platforms to negatively define us than some old white man with a bad radio show. There’s no money and lots of danger in that battle, so Jesse and Al are going to sit it out.

Throw another shrip on the barbie

2007-04-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

If you are from Australia, you can always say "down here" things are . . . .

Also, it is tomorrow there.

Tuesday

2007-04-10T10:18:00.000-05:00

Ten Thoughts for Tuesday

1. I am meeting up with my law school buddies this weekend for the first time in nearly three years. Based on the e-mail traffic over the last couple of days, nobody has changed. That means there is a good chance that someone will be yelling for shots at 3 am while someone else is explaining that Revlon duties don't necessarily preclude directors on a company's board from excluding certain bidders from an otherwise open bidding process.

2. The wife and I started training to run a 5K race. The race is at the beginning of June, so we have lots of time. 5K is almost exactly 3 miles. That doesn't seem like a long way until you actually attempt to run three miles and remember that the most exercise you see during a typical day is going up a flight of stairs to get another doughnut. I ran 4 slow miles last night on the treadmill, so I have hope.

3. Time to get to the beach. Need some sun, sand, snorkling and sCorona.

4. Man, I'm only on number 4. This list thing sucks. Should have started with a smaller number.

5. Work has been interesting lately, and the hours more reasonable than usual. Recently have been on calls with Paris in the morning and Sydney in the evening, which really goes a long way to stretching out the day.

6. Reminder: the French are still cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

7. On Sunday evening while the wife and I were running along the lake, we saw a diving duck. Little fucker could stay under for a long time.

8. I want a cheeseburger. Really, really bad. Stupid eating healthy, blah blah blah.

9. I think my right contact lens may be screwed up.

10. In honor of the fact that the four lawyers I'm meeting up with this weekend are all a bunch of litigators, leaving me as the sole corporate attorney, I'll end with an appropriate quote from John Wayne:

"Out here, due process is a bullet."
- Col. Michael Kirby (The Green Berets)

What the Fuck?

2007-04-05T17:41:00.000-05:00

What the fuck? After one season coaching at K-State, Bob Huggins is leaving to go coach a bunch of fucking hillbillies at West Virginia.

I hope he gets another DUI in the moving van on the way out there. Fucker.

Mary the Directions Bitch

2007-03-28T09:28:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, the wife and I went to watch the Shamrock Shuffle, an 8k race here in Chicago. 30,000 people ran the race, and it was really a pretty cool sight. We had a couple of friends that ran so we watched from the 1k mark for awhile and then watched at the finish line. Maybe next year we will run in it. 4.97 miles is just a really long damn way to run. Anyway, maybe more on that later.

The important part of the day is that after the race we drove up north to grab pizza with everyone at Piece. Even though we know how to get there, we decided to play with the buggy's navigation system. You just type in where you want to go, and it will give you directions. One of the options is to have a voice come on and actually tell you when your turn is coming up, how far to go, and all that stuff.

The voice is English. As in from the UK. Makes sense, since it is an English car.

Anyway, we need a name for the directions lady. I wanted to go with "The Directions Bitch", but that seemed too long. Wife proposed "Bridgett," but I vetoed that. We agreed to temporarily call the voice "Mary" (after Mary Poppins), but would be open to any suggestions.

4 a.m.

2007-03-20T04:13:00.001-05:00

Things I think I thought I thunk.

2007-03-14T15:47:00.000-05:00

+ What a stupid fucking title.

+ Today is sister's last day at her job. I'm glad she is switching to a new place, and I think that she should eat her stupid going away cake.

+ Had a blast at Pothead's this past weekend. It was great to drive on gravel, tour the feed mill, see the little pothead, play with the dogs and just generally be away from the city and back in the country. Plus, I got to drink beer with Pothead.

+ Today I booked tickets to Boston for a presentation to clients later this month and to New York to meet up with Law School buddies and do some gambling in the middle of April. Also, the wife and I are buying tickets in the next couple of days for a trip to a wedding in California in May and maybe a short beach vacation sometime in the middle of all of that. The wife is going to Miami the same weekend that I go to New York. We travel too damn much.

+ I love the buggy. It was great driving it the 7 1/2 hours to Iowa last weekend. Figured out lots of fun things to play with. Favorite so far is the navigation system and 4 wheel drive system. Fun. However, it did take about 50 miles of the trip to figure out how to turn on the rear windshield wiper. And the mileage is shit.

+ I want a new gun. I want a Remington Tactical 870 with a folding stock.

You may ask, "But WHBH, why do you need a Remington Tatical 870 with a folding stock?". To which I would have to answer, "Shut the hell up you stupid hippy." See? It makes sense.

+ Pete Rose should be let back into baseball. So what if he bet on his team every night? He bet on them to win. And I hate Barry Bonds. He is an asshole.

+ For the hell of it:

Timetables and Such

2007-03-08T10:09:00.000-06:00

In the news today, the House Democrats are proposing a timetable for pulling troops out of Iraq. They want to set the date in the Fall of 2008. Some quick thoughts:

+ I am all for getting out of Iraq. I don't want our troops there one minute longer than necessary, and whatever it takes to finish this up, I'm all for.

+ If the timetable passes Congress, why wouldn't insurgent groups sort of lay low for the next 12 to 18 months, gather their forces, and then when the US forces are gone, take over everything? If your enemy tells you when they are leaving, why not sit and wait for them to go, and then strike?

+ Why would the Democrats set the deadline right before the 2008 elections? Sure, they will say that the Republican administration couldn't meet the deadline, etc. when all the troops aren't out by then, but isn't the easy Republican response that the Democrats have been in power for 2 years and weren't able to meet their own deadline? After all, they have control of both houses of Congress, so if the deadline is missed, how is it not their fault?

+ How can a deadline for pulling out of Iraq help our troops? How does this help stabilize Iraq? There is absolutely no way that the US can leave Iraq without being able to claim a victory. If that would happen, and Iraq becomes another Vietnam, there would never again be a reason for rogue states to listen to the US or the UN, because they would know that there is no real threat of us ever taking military action against them absent their first strike directly against the US or maybe the UK.

Wednesday

2007-03-07T09:59:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about writing a post about going out to see the Pothead family this weekend, then I wrote the words "Pothead family" and decided that would be a better topic. In college, people get nicknames. Sometimes they go away, sometimes they stick. Generally, the ones you want to go away stick. Just ask Pothead and Snot.

When Pothead's wife agreed to marry him, I wonder if she considered the fact that she could someday be referred to in a blog as "Pothead's wife" or that their family could be "the Pothead family." I'm guessing not.

Snot's nickname is slowly wearing off, but it is still hard to say whether it will be gone before he and his wife have a kid.

Some nicknames are pretty tame. Pappy will probably always have his, but there isn't anything inherently weird about that. Absent the whole perjury and going to prison thing, Lewis "Scooter" Libby did fine in politics with a nickname.

Every once in awhile, nicknames even work out. Like for Captain. What started out as "Captain Idiot" when he forgot the fucking trolling motor turned into an ok nickname. Probably won't help him pick up girls like Meat's or Dirk's nicknames will, but what the hell.

So the list gets longer.

2007-03-05T09:14:00.000-06:00

As if my people to kill** list wasn't long enough, now I have to add more people to it. Namely, people like this fucking idiot who thinks that the reason that kids are fat is that Pizza Hut promises them a tiny little pizza as a reward for reading. Couldn't be a parenting problem or anything. Fucking idiot.

See the whole story on CNN.com at this link. The key part is this:

Book It, which reaches about 22 million children a year, "epitomizes everything that's wrong with corporate-sponsored programs in school," said Susan Linn, a Harvard psychologist and co-founder of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood.

"In the name of education, it promotes junk food consumption to a captive audience ... and undermines parents by positioning family visits to Pizza Hut as an integral component of raising literate children," Linn said.

I liked Book It. I read books, they gave me pizza. It worked. I'm not fat, and don't have some inflated sense of entitlement. It is people like this Linn idiot that are screwing up parenting today -- not Pizza Hut. By pointing the finger at everyone else, they make it ok to suck as a parent.

**Disclaimer: Given the fact that politicians on both sides of the aisle are working as hard as they can to eviscerate any real meaning in the first amendment, I want to clarify that "kill" here is not to be taken literally. Rather, it should be taken to mean my desire to write a strongly worded letter expressing my great disappointment in these people's position and my genuine wonder as to how they manage to look at themselves in the mirror every morning without realizing that they are hysterical fools.

Tunnels, Light, Etc.

2007-03-01T11:16:00.000-06:00

I have 9 e-mails in my inbox. To put that in perspective, you need to understand that I get a lot of e-mails everyday. For example, on February 22nd, I received 82 emails and sent 57. That is fairly common.

The main deal that I have been working on died on Monday, and that gave me time to do all of the stuff that I've been putting off. I've filed boxes and boxes of paperwork from past deals and discovered that there is an entire part of my office that I haven't seen since 2005. And I've been taking care of a lot of e-mails that I'd been ignoring.

I may not even come into work tomorrow. Then, maybe next week I'll get everything cranked up again. Or not.

Mardi Gras

2007-02-20T08:44:00.000-06:00

The only B that I ever got at K-State was in Accounting For Business Operations. I was on the bubble, and some dumbass scheduled a test for the day after the AGR Phat Tuesday party.

I went to the party.

And I shall call it the buggy.

2007-02-13T15:49:00.000-06:00

Growing up, we had a Plymouth Voyager minivan that we called "the buggy". As in, "you all get your stuff in the buggy, we're going to town." It rocked. When we finally got rid of it, the third seat was missing and the top speed going down hill was about 45.

Now, my Blazer is ready to be replaced. Even though I've had the Blazer for the same amount of time that I had the Frog (green '97 Chevy Silverado), I never got all that attached to it (hence, no name for it), so I'm ready to see it go.

To replace the Blazer, we are getting a Land Rover LR3. It rocks. I think there is a possiblility that, given enough time, it may even come close to being as great as the Frog. Anyway, it is kind of a family wagon type of an SUV, so I'm going to call it "the buggy."

Busy

2007-01-26T10:02:00.000-06:00

Since my last post on January 3rd:

1. Went to work.
2. Slept.
3. Went to San Francisco for work.
4. Ate something.
5. Captain came to visit (details will have to wait for another post).
6. Had a hangover.
7. Went to work.
8. Bears won the NFC Championship.

I think I need a vacation. Now taking recommendations for destinations. The only requirement is that it is warm enough to wear shorts.

We're All Gonna Die

2007-01-03T08:06:00.000-06:00

Fantastic. On the same day of the story that pilots at O'Hare reported seeing a UFO hovering over the airport, the Department of Homeland Security released its report on how prepared cities were to address a disaster -- Chicago was in the bottom five. And I left my shotgun in Kansas.

I am unarmed, living in an unprepared city about to be invaded by aliens.

December 19th

2006-12-19T10:46:00.000-06:00

On this date in history:

1776: Thomas Paine publishes American Crisis
1777: Continental Army enters winter camp at Valley Forge
1843: Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" first published in England
1974: Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program
1984: Britain agrees to return Hong Kong to China
1988: OU football program gets 3 year probation
1998: President Clinton impeached

Birthdays:

Little Jimmy Dickens
Cicely Tyson
Jennifer Beals
Alyssa Milano
Jake Gyllenhaal
Lady Sovereign
Daryl Hannah
me.

Edumacating and Stuff

2006-12-18T07:14:00.000-06:00

CNN has a good article today about reforms proposed for the US education system. I'm not sure that I agree with all of the proposals, but they are interesting to think about. Here are some of the highlights:

Beginning teachers should earn more (averaging $45,000) and the money should come by switching from traditional pension plans to 401(k)s, etc.

This is kind of a no-brainer. Clearly, teachers should make more. Nearly everyone should make more money (with the possible exception of corporate lawyers). However, the issue is what programs would be cut. Here, we would be robbing teachers' benefits to pay teachers' salary. Until there is a mind shift in the general population and people recognize that it is ridiculous to pay Jim Carry $15MM to make crappy movies when a starting teacher makes $25K a year, this will continue to be a problem.

High school ends at 10th grade. After their sophomore year, students take exams and then go straight to community college/tech school or stay in school for a couple more years and then go to college.

Interesting. This is how many other countries, especially in Eastern Asia, do it. I like the idea of not wasting money on people who are not going to some post-high school education.**(see comments)** However, making this decision when someone is 15 or 16 years old makes me nervous. I see this as potentially widening the existing socioeconomic gap and further narrowing the middle class.

Independent contractors would be in charge of running schools, even though the schools stay public. The state would control the funding.

Brilliant. This should have been done a long time ago. Run schools like a business. Bring in corporate sponsors. Tiger Woods signed a contract with Nike worth about $100MM a year. Corporations have money to burn when it comes to getting their name out, and there are a lot of them that are targeting kids between 5 and 18.

Anyway, just thought it was interesting. One of the most interesting areas of the law (besides the excitement of Section 16 SEC filings) is education law. The restrictions placed on financing, districting and inclusion seriously limit the options available for change. At the same time, each of those restrictions were put in place to address abuses of the system. It makes for a very complex problem.

Vegas Was Fun.

2006-12-11T17:21:00.000-06:00

Vegas was fun. Now I am tired. We went to Tryst on Thursday night and Pure on Friday night. Lost $30 on blackjack for the weekend, so that wasn't too bad.

Back to reality.

Winter is Here

2006-11-30T08:58:00.000-06:00

Looks like winter is finally here. The high temperature in the 10-day Chicago forcast is the 35 degrees forcasted tomorrow. Beginning Saturday, it may be more than a week before we get back above freezing. That is really damn cold.

[note to self: check antifreeze in blazer]

Luckily, I'm going to Vegas next Thursday, Friday and Saturday for client meetings. Highs in the 60s.

[note to self: learn to play blackjack before Thursday]

Watching

2006-11-24T08:26:00.000-06:00

"Get Fuzzy" is one of my favorite comic strips. The fourth panel of this one is one of the reasons why.

Bad Movie

2006-11-17T08:17:00.000-06:00

So this "Borat" movie is a blockbuster. I have to blog on this, because for some reason, I let it piss me off every time I hear about it.

I think that piece of shit Sasha Cohen/Ali G/Borat should be shot. Maybe not killed, but at least shot. Wouldn't that make a great movie? We could pretend that we were going to give him an award for being so funny, and then, right before we gave it to him, we could say "Just Kidding!" and shoot him in both knees. Then, while he flops around on the ground in pain, we could all laugh. Evidently, people find that kind of thing funny.

In the movie, this idiot pretends to be a journalist from Belarus or Khazakastan or something, and tricks people into looking like idiots and embarrassing themselves. This isn't "Punk'd" (which also sucks) where multi-millionaire Ashton plays an elaborate prank on multi-millionaire Timberlake, and then when the prank is over, they both go back to being rock-star/movie-star millionaire gods. Instead, the pranks in this movie are on regular people (including villagers living in poverty who were used as standins to make it look like Khazakastan was some crazy backward country full of people who lived with cows), people who just went to work or to school that day and met the wrong person, and now they are embarrassed in front of the whole country -- their friends, their family, their neighbors, everyone.

For the movie, he got two college guys drunk and got them on tape saying racist/homophobic/misoginistic things. Now, those guys' reputations are ruined. They're 22. How could they deserve that? And don't tell me it was because they are bad people. Go out and get any 22 year old guy drunk and you are going to hear some very inappropriate stuff, regardless of their race or creed. He paid villagers about $5 each to act like they lived with animals, etc. The things in the movie don't approach "funny", but they get to "cruel" just fine.

I don't understand how people can laugh at this movie. It's disgusting, and it reflects the downward spiral of our society. Since when did hurting and embarrassing someone become funny?

A final note: Growing up, people did things like block driveways with haybales, or put old tires in someone's yard or T.P. someone's tree. They didn't try to make fools out of them. No matter what, don't play a prank on me designed to embarrass me. I promise I won't think it's funny. If you are a guy, I'll hit you. If you are a girl, I'll hit whatever guy is next to you. And when you explain that it was just a big funny joke, and that everyone really was just being funny, I'll hit you again. With a hammer.

Hunting Buddies

2006-11-15T12:42:00.000-06:00

I'm fairly certain this is what Pothead, Snot and H.D. were thinking when I had to quit bird hunting at 11:30 am on Sunday because I had to work. Or, it could have been because I couldn't shoot to save my damn life. Again, all of the birds were smaller than the broad side of a barn -- clearly above my skill set on that particular morning.

Now, there is a party that we can all get behind.

2006-11-09T14:35:00.000-06:00

From now on, I'm voting for the croc party. My republicans pissed me off, and the democrats haven't moved far enough to the center yet.

Presidents and Assholes

2006-11-02T12:55:00.000-06:00

Eeds has to report on lots of the KS political races next Tuesday. I think she is less than thrilled.

Still, today there were two pretty good articles/commentaries on how things are shaping up for the Elephants and the Jackasses.

This story is about the Kansas races specifically, and discusses how the voters are moving away from the Republican party to embrace Democratic candidates (who used to be Republicans).

This story is about how the party in the White House always loses seats in Congress in the midterm elections, and that even if the Democrats grab the number of seats that they are talking about, their gains are still going to be below the historical average losses (it is a Coulter piece, so skip the first couple of bullshit paragraphs and look only at the mathmatical discussion).

Here is the way I see it: Republicans are losing voters because the Republican party is running so far to the ultra-conservative, super-religious, "Michael J. Fox Got Parkinsons Because He Is Pro-Choice" side of things that moderate conservatives like me are finally saying "fuck you, you ignorant fucking pricks." The problem, is that following that big "fuck you", we are left with the choice of (1) voting for a . . . shudder . . . fucking liberal Democrat, (2) throwing our vote away on an Independent, or (3) not voting (except in the very few cases where there is an actual moderate Republican or Democrat running). Given my near total disenfranchisement and disappointment with our elected leaders, I'm leaning toward the last choice.

Everyone knows that all real change is made by whoever has the most money and the biggest guns anyway.

Halloween 06

2006-11-02T10:08:00.000-06:00

I went as a hunter. Boring, but I hate dressing up for Halloween.

Yes, I'm wearing a hat from a cow costume. No, I don't know why. Yes, I am wrestling with a pirate. Again, no clue why.

Political Leanings

2006-10-25T10:34:00.000-05:00

So, I took the quiz at cnn.com to see where they thought I leaned politically.

Here is the chart.

If you number the bottom hash marks from 1(left) to 4 (right), I was:

Iraq: 4
Economy: 3
Terrorism: 4
Immigration: 3
Moral Issues: 1

Probaby pretty accurate, but their questions kind of sucked. Especially the Iraq questions. "Do you favor or oppose the war in Iraq?" Who the hell "favors" war? I think that we need to be there and that ultimately, the war will make us safer as a nation, but I certainly don't "favor" the war. Anyway, let me know where you come out.

Obama

2006-10-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

A semi-serious post. Wow. This should be interesting. In Anna's comment to my last post, she asked what I, an Illinios Republican, thought of Barack Obama, an Illinios Democrat and potential Presidential candidate.

Although I'm not ready to vote for the guy, I have been impressed with Obama. He is one of the best speakers I've heard for quite awhile. He also seems to have positioned himself as a centrist and as someone willing to work with people on both sides of the aisle.

Obama's website says that he is against meth, violence against women, sex offenders and hurting federal judges. Hard to disagree with that. He also has a pretty good stance on national security. One of the things that makes me think that I could stand to learn more about this guy is his stance on immigration -- actually a balanced, well-thought out and realistic view (i.e., no, we can't deport 11 million people tomorrow) -- it is also a fairly conservative view. Although there is a lot of fluff and very little substance in terms of his issues statements on his website (pretty much par for the course with any politician), from what I see, he has some good ideas.

Now, even with all of the sunshine he's blowing up our collective ass on his website, I have a couple of problems with Obama. First and foremost, Obama is a traditionalist gun control activist. He wants to ban semi-automatics and increase possession restrictions. He also voted against the bill to limit the liability of gun manufacturers for gun related deaths and crimes. These antiquated views completely miss the point, but that will have to wait for another blog entry. Second, Obama, like most Democrats, has criticized the war in Iraq and the war on terror generally. I understand and appreciate the view that we could be handling the situation better, and I like that Obama's criticism hasn't just followed the party line. However, like every other critic, he hasn't come forth with any real ideas for change. I really don't like blanket criticism without any offer of alternative solutions.

So, I guess that I like him about as well as any politician, Republican or Democrat. He is better than the screaming right-wing christian fanatics, and better than Teddy Kennedy and his crazies, too. It will be interesting to see if he can remain a moderate as the election gets closer and his party continues to pull him left. Please just don't let him get mixed up with Hillary. She sucks.

A lot.

p.s. This isn't the first time I've shown some appreciation to Obama, although the last time I mentioned him, a tiny little democrat sent evil thought waves at me in an attempt to make my head explode.

I Am Not The Duck

2006-10-18T08:42:00.000-05:00

Since my helper monkey went to shit, I think I am ready to go get a guard duck.

Refusing to limit discussions to the english vernacular is a common theme of this blog, as evidenced by my own bi-lingual proficiency shown here and here.

19,209

2006-10-16T15:32:00.000-05:00

I grew up in Dickinson County, KS.

According to the US Census, there are about 19,200 people in DK County. Didn't seem like that many.

Other stuff about the D - K:

50.8% of the residents are women (compared to 50.3% in KS overall). Just goes to show that my county is a pro-equality, equal opportunity county--all about balance and diversity.

97% of the population is white. (compared to 89.4 in KS overall). Ok, scratch that thing I was saying about diversity and balance.

Population change in the last 5 years: -.7%. Just kicking out the hippies.

Persons per household: 2.40.

Persons with a disability: 3,506. Evidently they didn't count NASCAR Obsession as a disability. That would have popped it up 10 or 12 thousand.

Minutemen

2006-10-12T10:26:00.000-05:00

So, the semi-crazy, right-wing, quasi-militant people that have been patroling the US/Mexico border? Minutemen? I think I want to be one.

Sort of.

I want to drive to the middle of the desert in southwest Texas, put a lawnchair in the back of a north-facing pick up, and drink beer. When I have time, I'll also look through some binoculars for illegal border crossing people, but I'm pretty much content with calling in the border agents to deal with them. If I wanted to put 30 illegal Mexicans in the back of my truck and drive them somewhere, I'd go to the Home Depot on Elston Avenue at 6:30 on a Saturday morning.

Plus, border patrols/fences are a stupid solution. (See Post Below).

I will probably have to take a couple of guns with me, because what good is sitting on a lawnchair in the back of a truck drinking beer if you don't get to have periodic Great American Rock and Cactus Shooting Championships with the NASCAR fan parked next to you.

Politicians are Stupid

2006-10-04T14:37:00.000-05:00

Washington idiots signed a bill into law today that approves spending 1.2 BILLION (with a fucking B) dollars on building a fence between the US and Mexico. Idiots.

As the saying goes, "show me a fifty foot fence, and I'll show you a fifty-one foot ladder."

Here's an idea! No fence at all. Instead, anyone who employs an illegal alien gets fined. $10,000 per person for the first offense. $500,000 per person for every offense after that. Do the same thing for people who rent or sell houses/apartments to illegal aliens. If there is no work and no place to live for illegals, the problem will start to abate.

Also, stop deporting people just across the border. Do what Eisenhower did. Send their asses three hundred miles south into Mexico. THAT is a deterrent.

So, in short, politicians are idiots and addressing the root of the problem would make way too much sense.

Save me a spot . . .

2006-10-01T15:10:00.000-05:00

Comparing

2006-09-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

In anticipation of my trip back to K-State for the OSU game October 7th, here are five good memories I have of my undergrad days with descriptions of the parallels I see in my life now as a married corporate lawyer living in the middle of Chicago.

For a more complete list of KSU fun, see my top ten list on this page right here.

1. Living: I shared a 150 sq. foot basement room with a hobbit and then with my brother in law. Beer ran down our door during parties because the kitchen was directly above our room and beer drained toward the middle of the house, instead of outside. My bathroom had cardboard walls with a wire hanger for a t.p. holder and a picture of the November '98 playboy centerfold front and center.

Now, I live in a 1300 sq. foot condo in a good neighborhood in downtown Chicago. I'm on the 19th floor with views of the city and the lake. My counters are granite, my floors are from Italy (for some unknown reason, since they are oak), and both of the bathrooms have actual t.p. holders. No playboy centerfolds anywhere.

Edge: Now.

2. Friends: K-State friends are friends for life. People with nicknames like "Pothead", "Pappy", "Snot" and "Captain". These friends will happily tie you to a chair and put you on the neighbors' porch, but will also hit large white guys with barstools when necessary. I lived with these guys. These friends were all armed.

Now, I have good buddies that I go out with, play poker with and watch sports with. They are all good guys, but I don't think you can really compare that with a group who would shoot someone for you.

Edge: Then

3. Food: In college, we lived on beer, ramen noodles, venison, cheap water-added ham, and beer. (Caveat: unless Lantz went shopping. Then, for the first part of the week, we lived on beer, three bags of Doritos and KFC and went hungry the other six days of the week)

Now, we eat better. When we do eat venison, it is because I feel like it, and not because Reth didn't put in his grocery money so Pappy refused to go shopping.

Edge: Now

4. Entertainment: At K-State, we lived everyday knowing that at anytime, anywhere, some drunk girl might show you her tits.

Now, I live everyday knowing that at anytime, anywhere, a drunk girl might remind me that when I graduated from college, she was 15.

Edge: Then

5. Shots Fired: Between The Fall of '97 and the Spring of 2001, I went hunting for everything, during every season, in all kinds of weather, with enough guns to take out an Al Quada training camp. I got arrested doing this.

Now, I have to plan for months in order to make it back to go pheasant hunting, and I haven't shot a deer in 5 years. I have not been arrested doing this.

Edge: Tie.

Evidently, some things are better and some aren't, but overall, my quality of life is pretty much the same.

In the News Today

2006-09-26T15:20:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton Charged with DUI in California

Her blood-alcohol content was .08. She was at the limit. Was it really the best use of taxpayers' money to start this media shit storm over someone being at the limit? Also, is this is the best that the media/over-zealous cops could get on her? That's it. I'm officially starting the "Paris in '08" campaign.

Best Company's for Working Moms Listed

IBM offers new mothers the option to take up to 144 weeks of leave. How in the holy fuck does that work? Seriously, do you just leave and be like "hey, guys, see you in 2009"? At least it isn't a technology company or anything where stuff changes all the time.

(p.s. I want my 2 1/2 years of leave, too)

Three Year Old Buys Pink Convertable on the Internet

His mother is a fucking idiot and should not be allowed to have children.

Tall Women More Likely to Have Twins

. . . but less likely to win an olympic gold medal in gymnastics or date Pappy.

Fastow Gets Six Years

I want this man as my company's CEO. Sure, he helped set up Enron for the fall of the century. On the other hand, he agreed to TEN years as part of a plea bargain with prosecuters. Evidently, Judge Ken "as-long-as-you-say-you're-sorry" Hoyt was feeling generous.

Side note: Fastow's wife served a year in federal prison for all of the shit that happened. How many times do you have to take out the trash to make up for that?

Spellings Backs Ideas to Shake Up Colleges

Big Idea Number 1: Create "a massive information system" to help parents and students evaluate colleges. Umm, I think Al Gore already invented the internet.

These are our leaders people. The U.S. Department of Education needs to fire Margie Spellings and hire a group of five fifth-year journalism students to put a bunch of website links on the DOE webpage. There. I just balanced the fucking budget.

5 Memories

2006-08-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

I am pretty much out of ideas to blog about that don't involve me bitching about one thing or another, so instead, here is a list of 5 pure, unadulterated happy memories.

Eeds, if you don't have an idea for a blog today, you have to make a list, too. Your list has to be 5 reasons that catfish make bad roommates.

Here's my five:
1. All of the memories of driving down dirt roads with grass growing in the middle of them and drinking beer. Didn't seem fair to use this for all five.
2. Farming moments circa 1997-1998. First real autonomy and control over parts of the operation, and that makes all the difference in the world when you look over a freshly swathed meadow or a field of worked ground.
3. Cancun on my honeymoon. Perfect beach, absolutely no worries in the world and nice company.
4. Watching "Hee-Haw" in at Nanaw and Par's house when I was little.
5. Cleaning doves after a day of hunting out in Pothead's country.

Dove Hunting

2006-08-29T10:52:00.000-05:00

I've decided it is probably time to seriously reexamine my life. Dove season opens September 1st in Kansas, and for the sixth consecutive year, I will not be sitting on a cooler on a pond dam and saying things like "it was coming right for me, so I had to shoot it" on opening day. Instead, I will be in some sort of crazy foreign land (although Chicago is slightly less crazy and foreign than the little hippy-protester villiage of Ithaca, NY), and will probably be at work. Maybe, if the wife has something else to do and I am not invited by the grace of God, I will be able to find some dove hunting show on ESPN 7 or OLN.

In any event, on September 1, no matter how shitty your day is going, even if you wreck your car, burn down your house, put down your dog, find out you weren't really adopted and that your family really is your own, even if you think things cannot possibly get any worse, just remember: I am not dove hunting. That, I am quite certain, will make you recognize how much worse things could be.

Also, I thought I'd point out that in Kansas snipe season also starts September 1. So, even though I always thought that snipe hunting was really just a joke you played on people, evidently, the little bastards really exist. Will wonders never fucking cease?

I really miss college.

2006-08-27T22:48:00.000-05:00

I had way more fun than most people who didn't die during their early 20s. See my comment to Eeds blog for Thursday, August 24 by clicking right the fuck here.

The Way Things Ought to Be

2006-08-22T18:42:00.000-05:00

I'm posting this entry even though it sucks. I need to keep writing on this fucking thing or I'm going to give it up, and then I'd have to go back to spraypainting parked taxi cabs to take out my frustration.

The way things ought to be:

1. Mandatory fishing breaks from 1 to 3 pm every other day.

2. No more shitty things happening.

A neighbor back home just had a farm sale. Over the past several years, he's worked to try to keep things together -- he took a job in town and tried to farm in the evenings and on weekends, he sold off land a little bit at a time, he leveraged, borrowed and delayed as long as he could. Now, the farm is up on the auction block. I'm not sure I can think of anything worse than going through a farm sale. It isn't just the loss of a business or some property. It's the loss of a life. It is the resignation and ultimate accepance that things aren't going to get better, and a way of living that has been going on in your family since time before time is over. It upsets me, because I realize that no small or middle sized farm is immune from folding anymore, if they ever were.

3. You should be allowed to shoot sporting clays off of your balcony or deck if you promise to try not to hit anyone who doesn't deserve it.

4. Busch Light should be free, and Coke Zero should be banned.

5. It should be a perfectly valid explaination of anything to say "90 percent of the time that is the way it always happens".

6. You should be allowed to kick hippies, but only if you warn them first.

I'm not for just straight out kicking hippies. Sometimes, they don't realize that they are being hippish, so that wouldn't be fair. Before booting their ass into the street, you should have the common courtesy to ask them if they realize that being smelly, stupid and dreadlocked is no way to go through life.

7. People who dress like thugs should be shot. Probably in the leg, so that they have a real reason to limp like that.

I need a fucking haircut.

By the way, I'm coming back to Manhappiness for the OSU game in October. I will be at Chance from about 5:30 Friday night to 2 am Saturday. Then, if I'm not at the tailgate, I'll be somewhere along Moro telling the little freshman how much better we used to do it when I was there. Do what? Fucking everything.

P.S. Sometime, when you have some extra time, call Pothead and ask him to explain the egg breaking industry. Fascinating.

It's a Pile System -- Not a File System

2006-08-08T07:45:00.000-05:00

Talked to my buddy Pothead on Saturday night and tried to solve all of the world's problems. We took care of most things, but couldn't figure out how to keep Eeds from getting speeding tickets since she finds it physically uncomfortable to allow anyone, anywhere to be on the road ahead of her.

Anyway, we decided that we'll probably quit our jobs (and make Pappy, Snot and HD quit theirs) and open up our own consulting firm. Pappy and I would handle the legal aspects, Snot would do crops, HD would handle livestock and Pothead would get high and handle milling/feeding/etc. things. We probably wouldn't make any money, but we could probably break even if we could get some cool corporate sponsorships/joint ventures like Busch Light and Chevy (except that Snot has to drive a Nissan).

Otherwise, the rest of us will have to wait until Pothead becomes a multi billionaire off of his logistics and management "Pile System" concept. Developed early in Pothead's academic career and continually evolving, the Pile System is a wholly integrated document management, human resources, logistics, data processing and holistic healing system built around the use of piles in your everyday life.

I use it in my office and have found it to be invaluable. I have no idea what I'm doing or where things are at, but since I have so many piles people assume that I'm busy and don't ask me to do more stuff. This leaves me with more time to devote to finding stuff in my piles. See: It works.

It's a Pile System -- Not a File System. (tm)(r)(patent pending)

son of a bitch

2006-08-04T16:32:00.000-05:00

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

And it's Friday.

Son of a bitch.

Sooners -- The Most Smartest Team

2006-08-03T08:25:00.000-05:00

If you know an OU fan, it would be a good idea to call them now and tell them to step away from the ledge.

Rhett Bomar (yeah, his name is really Rhett) was just permanently kicked off of the OU football team for taking about $18,000 from a Norman, OK car dealership for work he really didn't do. That's kind of really fucking against the rules in college.

Don't know Rhett? (I'm talking to you Sis). He was the glory boy quarter back that was going to lead OU to two or three national championships before he went pro and made an assload of money. He was supposed to be better than Jason White, who was a Heisman-winning god.

Instead of winning championships, becoming an OU legend, and then becoming a millionaire pro QB, (which sounds like a pretty damn good plan to me) he pissed it away for $18,000. You can't even buy a pick-up for that, which is too bad, because if he doesn't drive his butt the hell out of Oklahoma, somebody is going to shoot him.

So . . . Whose Fault Is It?
1. Bomar. Fucking Idiot.
2. Car Dealer. Better stock up on the fire-bombing insurance, because I think that the college kids in town are probably going to be thinking of you when they are crying in their beer after losing to . . . well . . . everyone.
3. Coaches. There are two stars on the team: Bomar and Peterson. There are about 4o fucking coaches. Get one of those little telephone cord leashes that parents put on their toddlers and make sure that neither of your stars is ever more than 15 feet from a coach. Ever.
4. Bomar. Fucking Idiot.

Go K-State!

Sisters

2006-08-02T10:09:00.000-05:00

Anyone with a little sister understands . . .

(click to enlarge)

They're still

2006-07-25T16:16:00.000-05:00

cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

Just needed to throw out the semi-annual reminder that France sucks.

Lottery

2006-07-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

Time to start buying lottery tickets. Tired of working.

Thoughts for Today

2006-07-20T08:19:00.000-05:00

A couple of things I've been thinking about this morning . . .

First, the evacuation of foreign nationals in Lebanon is going on, and there is a lot in the media about how U.S. citizens over there are unhappy with the American evacuation effort -- it's unorganized, it is taking too long, etc., etc.). Either (1) this is just stupid media spin, and evacuees don't really feel that way or (2) the evacuees are fucking idiots. No one can seriously tell me that people thought Lebanon would be a safe little middle eastern vacation spot. They had to know that there was an element of danger when they went. Do people really have such a sense of entitlement as U.S. citizens that they complain when their country doesn't come to rescue them from their own mess fast enough?

Second, President Bush is going to speak at the NAACP convention today. It is the first time since he was elected that he has accepted their invitation to speak, and he is only the second president to ever refuse to speak at one of their conventions. Still, given that the recently replaced leader of the NAACP called him a Nazi, it really isn't suprising he decided to skip this little shin dig to date. My question is this: if Bush gets on stage, and the crowd boos and acts like a bunch of fucking disrespectful, no class morons (and my money says they will), what will be the fall out? I say that it is two fold. One, Bush gets a bump in his approval ratings because nothing brings out supporters like a group of vocal detractors. Two, the NAACP finally is recognized for the racist, emotionally-driven and reason-deprived crapper that it is -- people who can't listen respectfully while the President of the United States is talking do not deserve our respect or even our tolerance.

Home

2006-07-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

Only a few more days until I get to head home for a 5-day break. It's time. I 'm ready to go check pastures, sit on the porch and ignore my blackberry and cellphone for awhile.

Fun

2006-06-29T16:41:00.000-05:00

You know what's fun? Back spasms. Loads of fun. Turning to the side and feeling like someone just shoved a t-post between your neck and shoulder blade rocks ass. Rocks big ass.